


One of Us

by t_hanson



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, like major angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 05:24:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17298593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_hanson/pseuds/t_hanson
Summary: Guess who's back, back, back again with these songs. So, I've had this for months- as in, back when I had Fernando months. Guess better late than never.Always a big thank you to @AllKindsofEverything because she's always there for me. Love ya, boo





	One of Us

The chambers were confining- the sealed door had not been opened in who knew how long and the lack of light made the enclosure seem even smaller. In the centre, a platform, bordered by a curtained canopy, lay a collection of pillows and sheets used by a being that had once been described as lustrous. Radiant. All those other meaningless words. Now, she was melancholy. Whatever bright light that had once resided within her, dwindled to nothing. 

By the door, a small figure remained dutifully still, her long sighs coming slowly and silently through her nose to refrain her mistress from hearing such weariness. Only she had marked the time that passed, long abandoning hope that their presence would be required elsewhere. 

Amid the sheets, an azure finger lifted to lazily twist a piece of hair around it. Then the hand dropped, no longer moving, with the hair still twisted there. There was a rustle as the head turned. Sapphire eyes studied the communication pad across the room, positioned tauntingly on the wall. It hadn’t been used since she had entered and no call had sounded, shown clearly by the blankness on the screen. Sighing once more, Blue Diamond turned her head to stare blankly at the alcoves high above her. 

Her cheeks were tear-stained. Every minute or so, another would escape and no sound was made. The motion seemed so natural that not even the Diamond made a sound, allowing them to trace their usual path. Unmitigated misery had been her constant companion. There had been a time when this was untrue, but she could not fathom when. 

Perhaps it was the second before she had heard that hurried knock on the door, interrupting her and Yellow as the latter was mid-way through detailing a report. They had been enraged. After demanding the cause of the interruption, the poor Holly Blue had managed to stutter out the damning news. All those words that had been spoken and yet, not fully comprehended. That agony that had seized Blue as she fell to her knees, her aura piercing the air while the sheer force dissipated the messenger and their Pearls. 

From her seat, Yellow had said nothing. She had continued to be silent. Throughout the journey on the ship, the descent in their palanquins, to the dirt of the planet Earth, not one word had passed her lips. Even while Blue had carefully scooped the remnants of her fellow Diamond, her screams unceasing and distant in her own ears. Yellow’s hand on her shoulder had not calmed her. No matter how many tears she shed, how much she begged, the shards remained the same. No low giggles, bright hopeful eyes, nor any incessant hollering of her name as tiny hands pulled at her finger. 

Blue had been inconsolable, expecting the same anguish from Yellow when they had returned to Homeworld. Surely her companion’s silence was the necessary restraint shown in the presence of their peers, but it had persisted into the privacy of their chambers. Her first words had been how they were going to tell White, followed by how the gems would be relocated to which court.

At such a reaction, Blue had begun to feel something other than sadness. Some impassionate rage that she could not disguise. Accusation after accusation tumbled from her lips, to which Yellow watched in silence, waiting for her to wear herself into exhaustion. Eventually, she fell silent but Yellow’s apology, the sound of her voice, sparked her temper once more. Yellow had left without another word, her absence marking her goodbye, and Blue hadn’t noticed. She had fallen to the floor, her hands curling into fists as she sat on her knees. For how long she remained there, she knew not, her head bent to the stone below, unable to tame the surge of feelings when she was reminded of those shards. Tiny and dull in the palm of her hand. 

She had made a promise and Blue never broke her promises. They had abandoned her on that forsaken planet with the assurance that Pink would be safe, that no harm could possibly befall her. It was surely impossible. And they had returned after that promise with the revelation that she had fallen in battle. Seen by allies and traitors alike- the shattering of a Diamond. 

That fury, that desperation, that loss- she needed Yellow to feel that too. Time and time again, she had shown that perhaps she didn’t and suddenly, Blue was unsure of what that could mean. They had been happy. They had been. The three of them together had created memories that Blue would forever mourn. Surely, Yellow could not have been insincere in her fondness for Pink; Blue would not believe it. So where was her remorse for those stolen moments, those memories made into just that- memories. 

Blue had hoped to confront her, every argument dying in her throat and instead, a sob replacing each word. At first, Yellow had comforted her. Held her close until Blue had wasted away her tears. Then time moved on, faster than was comfortable and Yellow had been less forgiving. The lack of tears from her was forgivable as long as she joined Blue in her grief, but she no longer did and she could not be forgiven. 

There was a void where her love for Pink had been. That fondness she would extend to nobody else; the laughter, the gifts, the disagreements that would ultimately end in the young Diamond always having what she wanted. Blue had more moments planned, always thinking there was more time. They had infinity until they didn’t. With her gone, there was only her and Yellow. The adoration she held for her love was breaking apart, shattering into as many pieces as the source of their grief, and neither one was healing. How could she adore someone who cared so little for the loss of their joy? 

She had told Yellow as such, ignoring the flash of hurt in her eyes. It was clear, after all, that they were incapable of understanding each other and Blue despised her for it. The Yellow she had known was gone, replaced with something harsher. Even as she returned to her chambers, she already felt the regret at her decision but it was too late. She wanted to hear Yellow beg for her love. Yellow never begged for anything. 

Allowing her time to doubt her decision, Yellow appeared again, her usual severity cutting through the tender suffering of Blue. She had seemed to think it was another temperamental decision on her part and had sat beside her, her fingers stroking the tears from Blue’s cheek. Blue closed her eyes, surprised Yellow had removed her gloves to touch her. They had not touched each other in a long time. She found the desperation in her gaze that she could never hear in her voice. So, she had allowed her to stay. They remained alone, giving in to the primal need that had originally brought them together. Blue allowed herself to forget her suffering for a second if it allowed her to feel ecstasy. 

They had lain together, their intimacy new for something so familiar. Then Yellow had asked her to return to her duties and Blue knew she still could not understand. From outside the door, their Pearls could hear their argument, the last one they would have when it came to their relationship. Yellow had left, her Pearl scrambling after her in panic. For a while, the remaining Pearl stood outside the door, eventually re-entering and finding that her mistress had not noticed her absence.

Time continued to pass, the moment turning into another distant memory, as the affection of another Diamond had become. Blue seldom left the sanctuary of her chambers, most often in the case of an emergency for one of her colonies or for routine meetings with Yellow. Their world never strayed from its usual routine. Time did not halt for her grief. 

Nevertheless, Blue lay across her assortment of sheets and cushions, watching the communication panel or the door in the hope one would activate and she would hear the callous complaints that she had heard countless times before. Perhaps that someone was in their own chambers, wishing the same. 

It was not the first time she had waited for such an occurrence. Her head turned once more to the side, her gaze fixated on the figure by the door. 

“Pearl, have I missed a call?” 

“No, my Diamond.”

Yellow had promised she would not return and she was one to keep her promises. A common trait they possessed. Blue knew she would not break that agreement. If her pride allowed her, she would admit she had been mistaken in accusing Yellow of the things she had, even if she still believed them to be true. It seemed better in hindsight to have Yellow by her side, apathetic and hostile, then not have her there at all. 

 

Yellow felt stifled. Whether it be the confines of her control base that she had not left in rotations or the fact that she was unable to express her dissatisfaction to anyone. At the foot of her seat, her Pearl had faithfully remained, but even she was beginning to show signs of fatigue. Their presence at the base had lasted longer than usual. The monotonous repetition of her work, the silence within the room, and the familiar glow of her screen- it all kept Yellow occupied. Nevertheless, even distractions became tiresome. 

Flicking the projected screens into nothing, she abruptly stood, hearing her Pearl jerk in surprise. She took no notice, calling for her to follow as she left the base. It had been a while since she had allowed her body to recuperate. Yellow hadn’t wanted to extend herself that kindness, but somebody needed to complete their various projects. There had been no attempt from the others. Besides, the harsh lines under her eyes were only growing darker, constantly reminded of them in her reflection on the screen. 

Work was a comfort. It could always be reduced to the most logical conclusion. There were procedures; questions with answers. How could she be wrong when her calculations were so precise? It refrained her from thinking of the two enigmas that she could never quite comprehend. Pink and Blue. The both of them residing, almost tauntingly, in the back of her mind. A literal ghost and one almost there, shrouded in her veil as if waiting for that life to subside into nothing. 

With Pink gone, Yellow had focused all of her unspoken apologies and stifled rage into comforting Blue. She had tried to be delicate. Instead, she had been clumsy and harsh. No surprise, she supposed; Blue should have known better than to expect more from her. For the first time in her life, Yellow realised she couldn’t understand her. There was a missing component in the algorithm- the understandable grief, the confusion, the resentment for those that had taken everything from them. But there was something else. Yellow had never discovered what. It had driven her insane, to never concede which was worse- her inability to save a loved one or finding that when it came to the only being that mattered, she had lost her too. 

It had seemed so simple. To do what was asked of her and eventually, Blue would be content with what was left. In theory, they still had everything and she would come to realise that Yellow would never leave her, but it had never been enough. 

Yellow had willed the tears, hoping to show a fraction of the distress the other Diamond basked in, but she was incapable of doing so. It had felt wrong for her. Those moments she had sat with Blue, expecting her presence to eventually soothe the sobs escaping between her arms, Yellow had been forced to confront sentiment that she had always avoided. It hadn’t felt necessary before. Their life followed the path it was supposed to; no sentiment was needed when there were established facts. The events on Earth had changed that. Each second, each minute that had been planned, everything that had made sense, had been shattered into irreparable pieces. Pink shards, covered in dirt and tears, had reflected Yellow’s expression as she looked down at them, her uncertainty crystal clear. 

That look was unrecognisable. That feeling, once residing as only a dull ache somewhere below, had erupted into something chaotic and desperate. No matter what Blue had accused her of, that feeling never subsided. She felt it claw its way into her throat whenever she saw a hunched figure wrapped in blue, or any dash of pink that happened to catch her eye. Yellow had allowed each accusation to be hurtled her way, each cruel word, and she had stayed anyway. When Pink had demanded it, she’d allowed weakness and the repercussions had brought them to their knees. A high price for her fellow Diamonds when she had been at fault. 

Yellow had wanted punishment, to be held accountable. White must have sensed as such and she had been called to her chambers. No matter what had been said or done, no physical pain could equal the torment Yellow felt. She had left White’s chambers, that soft voice praising herself for being so gracious but her compassion had only hurt more. Yellow had wanted it to end. What ‘it’ was, she refused to dwell on. Keeping her alive was not an act of mercy; it was a punishment. The worst she could ever endure. 

Eventually, she had come to the realisation that there was nothing she could do. Any uncertainty, any despair was channelled into her work. Occasionally, she released those feelings, disposing them elsewhere. At least then, they wouldn’t haunt her. She felt deep satisfaction in that energy. The way it buzzed as fiercely as her confusion, its static humming louder than her thoughts, and the momentary relief as it was released from her body. All of that suffering dispensed on another being. 

She supposed she should have felt guilt, or at least remorse, whenever a gem fell apart before her eyes. Because of the sheer intensity of her energy, the emotion that she poured into it. Blue had taken to reprimanding her. Her own demons feared the dissipation of another being. Anything further, she would become hysterical. She never failed to express her feelings on the matter. Yellow was always cruel, always wrong for the way she behaved. And she hated taking the blame. Her conscious knew she held enough guilt without Blue voicing the same accusations. Blue’s fear only angered her further. What was there to be scared of? Yellow would never harm her, nor would she allow any harm to come to her. But that was no longer true. She hadn’t extended that courtesy when it mattered and Blue could never forgive her. 

All Yellow had wanted was for the noise and turmoil to end. With Blue, there was always such overwhelming misery that it pierced the quiet she desperately needed. It hurt her more than she could imagine. That feeling, her aura, was physically excruciating. She had tried to support her, had listened to Blue beg for a softer version of herself, and Yellow had tried. But she also needed someone. She wanted her Blue, the formidable and compassionate Diamond she was used to. In the end, neither got what they wanted. 

If she had to admit as such, Yellow knew she could be obstinate and misconceiving. Every time she held Blue in her arms, she was reminded that she could never comfort her. Yellow knew she was the reason they were estranged from each other. When she lay beside her, there was always more that she could have done- she needed to be more understanding, more loving, more attentive. Yellow couldn’t ever appease her. Now they had been confronted with the impossible, she could see that more than ever. She knew the time would come when Blue would realise this too. And she had. 

Yellow could never rid of that vicious energy that coursed through her- mind, body, and soul- but she wanted to be better. She would and could be better for Blue. So, she had visited her in her chambers, hoping she could appease her and for once, she did. Yellow had been almost delirious when Blue had fallen into her arms, reciprocating that comforting touch she had so often extended. Both had been too occupied by their bliss. Intense but short-lived. 

Yellow could hardly think of anything other than the weight of Blue’s body on hers, her hair splayed across her chest. She hadn’t thought of what she was saying. Perhaps this change in Blue had meant she was getting better. Yellow had asked for comfort the only way she knew how and Blue had despised her for it. 

When Yellow left that room, it had been for the last time. Blue had been clear in her request that she leave and Yellow had promised to respect that, no matter how much she wished for any other solution. Sometime in the future, she hoped that the communication hub would ring in her chambers. It would mean that Blue had returned to her duties; she was supporting Yellow in the way she needed it most. That day had yet to come. 

Entering her chambers, Yellow instantly lay on the canopied platform, the cushions underneath her body barely a comfort. They were fashioned similar to Blue’s. She had liked it that way and Yellow hadn’t seen a need to change the decoration. 

Staring at the alcoves above, Yellow knew her Pearl was watching, having remained silent throughout the journey. She couldn’t bring herself to care that she was being watched. Her Pearl had seen worse. Her mind was too preoccupied with the redundant hope that Blue was thinking of her too. 

The last time she had entered Yellow’s chambers, they had spent their time occupied with each other’s bodies and whispered declarations of love. For her, the last time she had visited Blue’s chambers, there had only been deliberate hurt. She supposed she would rather be in her own room, where their last moments had been happier. 

“Pearl?”

“Yes, my Diamond?”

Yellow hesitated. Closing her eyes, she took a moment to regain some composure. “Have I missed a call?”

Both knew the answer. The Pearl flinched, wishing it had been different. 

“No, my Diamond.”

Her desperation matched Blue’s, she knew that, but she had never been capable of expressing it. Not like she was. Not like another Diamond had been. That wasn’t Yellow. For once, she wished she had never made that promise to leave. She wished she could have begged Blue, shown the emotion that she had wanted, but Yellow didn’t beg. It hardly seemed to matter; none of it did in the end. Nevertheless, if she could have one wish, it would be that she had never left that room. If Blue resented her, she could learn to deal with that, as long as she could stay beside her. It was better to have her in any way than to not have her at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's back, back, back again with these songs. So, I've had this for months- as in, back when I had Fernando months. Guess better late than never.
> 
> Always a big thank you to @AllKindsofEverything because she's always there for me. Love ya, boo


End file.
